Silly Dilemmas

'We need to talk. '

Whatever.

Anna had heard that so many times from him. She looked down at her hand; the ring glistened back at her, with all the hope of a promising future. She didn’t want to look at it. 

Will you marry me? The question haunted Anna. She shook her head, trying to eliminate the joyful memory. She spun the hopeful diamond under her finger with her thumb.

'Stop being so gorgeous!' she snapped.

Anna grabbed at her phone, a dirty habit when she was trying to escape from unmanageable thoughts. She flicked through the apps.

Where is it?

Oh, that's right, Instagram. Facebook. TikTok. LinkedIn.

All on a break.

Her decision to delete the escapism from her phone was made in a bursting moment of the ‘fuck its’ and the mighty burst of confidence to actually see a digital detox through.

Besides, she didn’t want to see his face sprawled across every account. She knew she would go in for a sneaky stalk, back into the archives of lighter days, when they were actually in love.

Ok, what else? 

Stretching? 

Meditation? 

Take the dog for a walk? 

Nope. 

Drive through Maccas. Yes! Two cheeseburgers and a six-pack of nuggets doused in sweet and sour sauce. That should do the trick! Eat the feelings. He would pick her up from work, looking all scruffy in his dirty work boots with his hair dishevelled and that sleepy, teddy bear look he would get when he was overtired. Drive through Maccas was their Friday night ritual. Warm cheeseburgers, washed down by icy Coke and a cozy night on the couch watching horror movies. Bastard!

Stretching. 

Meditation. 

Take the dog for a walk.

Can’t be bothered. 

What about a quick trip to the bottle shop? A crisp glass of rosé would be nice. Cold, smooth, pink and dry. Ok, two bottles. The perfect solution. Anna recalled the bottle they had shared only three nights ago, when everything seemed to be semi ok. Stifled conversations about work and engagement party plans between slurps of his ‘world famous’ spaghetti bolognese. He wasn’t much of a cook, but she would occasionally admit to him that his spaghetti bolognese was delicious. Arsehole! 

Anna ran through the events of drinking a bottle of wine by herself. Pour the first glass. Take a big sip. Breathe a sigh of relief. Take another big sip. Search for the emergency packet of cigs. Light one up. Take another big sip. Pour another glass. Repeat. Cry into a pillow. Fall asleep without dinner. Wake up. Headache. Resentment. Gross. 

Stretching. 

Meditation. 

Take the dog for a walk.

Annoying. 

Maybe a slap on the pokies? No need for booze, just a cheeky slap. Anna checked her purse. $100. That would be her limit. No going to the ATM to take out more. There was something comforting about the pokie room at the pub. The sounds of the machines singing and bleeping with glee at little wins. The smell of ashtrays and stale beer reminded her of her dad. 

Anna’s dad was so happy when she announced their engagement. He actually cried. His face, red with emotion. His voice quivered. He had never hugged her so tight. Anna smiled. A sweet memory. A dark cloud drifted through her mind. Her mother’s tears, her father’s loss. His gambling addiction had been the catalyst for her parents’ divorce. It was weird having her parents walk away from each other at this stage of their lives. She assumed they would just always be together. No. No pokies today.

Stretching. 

Meditation. 

Take the dog for a walk.

Ok, ok ok! 

Stretching it is. Anna huffed and puffed as she stomped to her wardrobe. The yoga mat she had bought on the 2nd January, she was feeling motivated to kick-start the new year with a new health regime. Signed up to a yoga studio, a five-minute drive from home. No excuses. All the excuses actually.

Anna rummaged through the bottom of the wardrobe: shoes, clothes which had fallen from their hangers and other miscellaneous items overwhelmed her senses. Why was it so hard to stay on top of this stuff? The rolled-up yoga mat leaned up against the back. Neat and lovely, it had that new smell; it shouldn’t- it was now June. 

Anna flicked the mat, letting it unroll itself as it landed perfectly on the floor. There, that wasn’t so hard. Some nice chilled music and a stretch. Yes, Anna…you are being the adult you always knew you were. 

Inhale. 

Hold for four. 

Exhale into the stretch. 

Tight hips. 

So many bottled-up emotions. So much anger. So much heartbreak. Why couldn’t he just be who she needed him to be when she needed him to be it? 

Release. 

Anna let out a grunt. An angry grunt. He didn’t even hug her when she had told him about her parents; he barely said anything. He didn’t read her; he didn’t listen. He didn’t. He didn’t. He didn’t. More stretching came with more releasing.

Anna lay down; the stretching did her some good. Realisations and insights as to what was going on for her. Anger, held in the hips…interesting. 

The earpods never could fit in her ears properly; were her ears too small for them? She couldn’t work it out. She secured them in as best she could and hit play on the meditation app she had used once before. 

Inhale. 

Hold for four. 

Exhale. 

The voice was soothing and kind. It wasn’t long before Anna’s racing thoughts became caught up in her breathing. Each tense thought was captured and exhaled out without her even noticing. Colours danced in her mind's eye to the soft gongs and forest tunes. Breathing became beautiful and thoughtful. No need to worry. No need to stress. Just breathe. 

Anna couldn’t be sure how long she had been under, but when she started to come back to reality, she found herself stretching and smiling. Breath. 

Now that wasn’t so hard. 

She looked out the window. The mild winter day glowed back at her, a bit of sun and a chilled breeze. Lovely. 

Time for a walk.

The squish of dewy grass under her boots was the closest Anna had been to nature all week, despite only living five minutes from the park. She needed to be on the grass, under the trees, in the cool air. A gentle kiss from nature. The dog pulled and yanked on her lead, still a bit of work to do there, but it’s ok. Anna felt capable again. Clear.

Vibrating jacket pocket. It's him. 

‘Hey’ 

‘Hey…we need to talk’

‘Yeah, ok…I’m ready,’ she exhaled. 

By Danny Nercessian